Then I spotted a Gold Digger!

A few days ago, I had a terrible experience. An incident that once again revealed the creepy attitude of our society. A society that is insecure and has no traces of empathy left.

I posted a girl’s profile for a marriage proposal on a Facebook matrimonial group (without picture). The girl is a mature, educated, independent, and self-sufficient lady who has crossed the ideal age range of marriage set by society. It was a pretty straight forward profile as she doesn’t just want to get married to anyone available. A basic right of every woman; a life of her choice.

The amount of jahalat flown in the comments stunned me. She is a hijabi (covers head) and many proposals were rejected in the last few years on this basis. So, she gave a red flag to anyone expecting a beauty contestant in teens. Some cool men commented on her looks and age without even looking at her picture and mocked her demands.

She is a working woman who wishes to maintain her lifestyle so she also mentioned the minimum salary demand which was way lesser than what she already earns. O My my, this point touched the weak nerves of all those insecure men who couldn’t do anything in their lives. Those chickens who don’t even know there is a world outside their coop, called her “Gold Digger”.

A girl is a gold digger if

  • She has demands in life
  • A girl who has spent a good amount of time to establish her career and wants a compatible partner, is asking too much
  • A girl is uncultured because she refused to consider proposals who don’t want a career-oriented partner
  • A girl is destined to get bashing if she doesn’t bow down to the stereotype and patriarchal system
  • A girl with an opinion and mind is unacceptable.

Yes, this is the progressive modern society we live in. A rishta parade that happens in every other house is a soul tearing process. A woman is judged on her appearance and age. The age range starts as soon as the girl hits puberty to the age she learns to use her mind. If the girl can use her mind, oops she is too overage for the misogynist partner.

She is examined according to the standard of society by ruining her self esteem. The audience of this show doesn’t have empathy when they switch houses one by one in the search of their ideal minor angel-looking puppet.

If they mistakenly encounter an alive human with her senses and especially functioning brain, they conveniently exclude her from the “eligible girl” criteria list.

I noticed that the profiles on that matrimonial group which had no demands were taken as ideal proposals. On the contrary, girls who have specifications for their future partner were called arrogant. God forbid, if the girl has entered the age of 30s, she is being casually recommended to accept whatever comes her way.

I wanted to reply to many comments as harshly as they responded to that post. I could be as mean as they were but then I could already sense the illiteracy from their words. The men who want fancy wives who would have no requirements in life. The wives who are educated but worship the patriarchy. The wives who would tolerate their bad mouth as a duty. The wives who would lay eggs (oh I mean babies) and dedicate their lives raising them without any support. Why? Because in a patriarchal world, it’s not a man’s work to help his wife or give her breathing space. Actually, mostly wives are given value by considering them highly skilled like a ROBOT.

Dear men, don’t get offended that you are being targeted. Your mothers are equally responsible for letting you believe that you own the world alone.

Picture Courtesy: https://imgbin.com/

A day in the life of what you think a housewife is!

” Daily 3 4 hours won’t be a problem for you. You just stay at home.”

In the excitement of stepping back into work mode, I didn’t realize the ignorance of these words at once. A work of my choice with minimum hours and that too online. Scene on!

I rushed to pick my daughter from her school on my way back from interview. She was in a cranky mood (as usual). We came back home and 3 hours were gone in giving her a bath, having lunch, dishwashing, school revision, book reading, and a good amount of arguments over everything.

Free time are you there now? Wait!

While putting my little monster to bed for an afternoon nap, I planned the rest of the chores. The urge for Me-time was strong but the to-do list in my head was not letting me ignore my appointments with dear laundry, dirty dishes, pending assignments, and mess around the house.

I already felt tired by planning the rest of the day. It’s always exhausting to manage between house responsibilities and personal commitments. At such moments, I ask myself whether am I over challenging myself? Is it really needed? Why do I have to pick extra tasks when my cup is already full?

Fortunately, such questions help me straighten my mind and set my priorities. Do you know how? Such questions trigger the self-love and remind me of the worth of these challenges. Activities that might seem unimportant to many, are a source of keeping my individuality alive. When I pick a task out of my routine, it’s not for anyone else but for myself.

When I chose to stay at home for my kid, I never intended to quit living for myself. I am another woman who stays home for her family but also has desires, priorities, and an individual personality. A woman who is capable of raising her child while raising herself too. A woman who believes in loving herself so she can love others with a content heart.

The trigger was enough. I immediately picked the laptop to avail my opportunity. Dinner could be prepared a little late, the mess around the house could wait a little longer and my family could function on its own for some time. I sent the confirmation email to the company and worked on my pending blogging tasks. I was a happy and satisfied person when I switched back to my housewife mode after an hour. The energy helped in completing the rest of the chores in less than usual time. That day, I went to sleep with an aching back but contentment was dominant.

Unfortunately, a housewife is considered a woman enjoying leisure time all day. The “privileged” housewife might enjoy staying home all day but she is always on alert mode with her brain continuously om a watch for next task. She is conditioned to respond to every call for attention because of the superwoman traits she is supposed to have. This superwoman cooks, cleans, responds to baby cries (sometimes Baba cries), organizes, and manages simultaneously. Yes, multitasking at its best. When I’m doing my job or blogging work, its not usually during my free hours. I run a parallel thread (read: adjust) in my already exhausting program.

Why did I choose to test my capabilities?

I was doing pretty good as a housewife and SAHM but the contentment was missing. I decided to take a break. I took one, and trust me it was too refreshing. It reminded me of the person I was missing. I was missing myself. Frequent meetups with myself where I’m not doing anything as a daughter, mother, wife, or daughter in law but as Tamkeen Zehra.

It’s hectic to manage work alongside home responsibilities but definitely better than a sense of losing one’s identity. It might not apply to many women but if you feel lost, take a break and find something that reunites you with yourself. Don’t wait for the resentment to turn into toxicity!

Picture credits: https://imgbin.com/

Apology letter to 2020

Dear, year 2020, you have received more than enough bash since your arrival. Almost every person has cursed you at least once since you have entered the calendar. Honestly, I dread you too. The fright of unexpected never left me since you have appeared. A person like me who is always planning something ahead, your uncertain behavior has really bothered me.

Now, after almost 10 months of experience, I don’t blame you anymore. I want to apologize for the blame game we all have been playing. I wonder why we have been calling you the worst? What have you done? Is it really your fault?

Dear 2020, your older brother ‘2019’ might own Covid-19, but you totally own the change it brought to humans’ lives. You can flaunt the changes you caused in human behavior in front of your younger generations of Calendar. The stories of how humans literally sat back and thought about what actually matters which they didn’t get to think for decades. Most of all, the same fear of a microscopic virus among the whole wide world. A common horror that connected every single human being.

I can imagine the pride you must have for being the game-changer-year of the last century. You will address your grandchildren someday like,

“My dear children, your grandpa has made history by pausing the lives of mankind. When they were going crazy to conquer space, I bound them to their homes. Ha-ha-ha. I threw experiences after experiences at humans to learn and grow. I’m also entitled to show a mirror to the society about its flaws. Your grandpa did his best to reveal the truth of the world. However, I wonder why do they remember me like a nightmare.”

No doubt, you had your best intentions but with the arrival of your biggest surprise (COVID) when many acted wisely, dead conscience and lack of empathy of many were also disclosed. When we almost thought that the whole world is united in the fight against the pandemic, the lust of power and dominance didn’t let that happen. The evil kept fueling religious discrimination, racism, suppression of weak, abuse of power, and injustice in every possible way.

It would be definitely unfair to blame you for the downfall of humanity. Your only fault is, that you showed us the wicked face of the world around us without any mercy.

I was living in a bubble of ignorance and a little hope of betterment but you burst it ruthlessly. You became the trailer of apocalypse and shook the mother who had beautiful plans for her child. Why did you do this? Why did you become a year of “bad news”? Why did you reveal the lack of justice in every damn corner of the world?

Today, I’m a scared mother worrying about her child’s future, a wife/daughter/sibling dreading her family’s safety, a woman doubting everyone man’s intention, a human looking for a carefree and peaceful spot in the whole wide world.

You have amplified a mother’s concerns for her child’s upcoming life. Today, after surviving with the tiny virus for months, I realized its not the deadliest at all. The real threat is the evil residing within humans. When the noise of busy lives around the globe decreased during the lockdown, we could hear the uproar of injustice echoing. People are being starved, bullied, abused, attacked, traumatized, and killed by their own kind of people. Unfortunately, the justice provided daily is negligible as compared to the crimes encouraged by the lack of justice. The soul-less animals have become fearless and you (year 2020) have terrified us with this disclosure.

Since, we, humans don’t like to accept the truth, hence the hatred (blame game) became your destiny.

With love,

Scared Human

Picture: httpsimgbin.com

Another Woman was Asking for it!

How many times have you witnessed the words hidden behind asterisk sign?? (e.g R*pe, s*x etc)

Does putting the words behind the asterisk sign solve the problems or just satisfy our shallow upbringing to save the society from obscenity?

Discussing rape, sex education, consent, abuse is taboo but Alhumdulillah our blame game is too strong. We don’t put asterisk while blaming the rape victim for her clothes, makeup, and character. We don’t hide the words behind asterisk sign while blaming the parents for child abuse and calling them careless, we don’t hesitate while judging the victim!

The sickening part is, let alone punishing the perpetrator, the limelight is mostly on why the victim got into the trap.

Today, the news of the rape case on Lahore Motorway is all around the internet. CCPO Lahore Umer Shaikh casually blamed the woman for driving with her children alone and not having enough petrol.

Dear so-called guardian of Pakistani nation, if your department had been working efficiently instead of becoming the stooge of high authorities then those two sexually frustrated animals wouldn’t be out on roads. By the way, his views are not unique, just scroll down the social media platforms or look around in the neighborhood, you will find his many like-minded.

There is a shameless culture in many homes to discuss women’s clothing, walking style, body structure, accent, and then her character. Her choices are taken as a “call for attention”. If it is true in any sense, then what about those little kids who get raped? What about the woman who got raped in front of her children? Were they also asking for it??

Can we save the world from more damage?

Many reasons are suggested behind the increased percentage in abuse. Poverty, lack of education, pornography, mental sickness, and then comes the ignorance of privileged ones. Find as many reasons as you want but never ever blame the victim. By blaming the victim, we invalidate the pain and suffering. By finding excuses, we save the perpetrator!

Start from your home!

  • Don’t judge or discuss girls dressing, choices, and character. Especially in front of the men of your house
  • Stop the first comment your son/brother/father makes about other women
  • Boys shouldn’t comment on other girls dressing. Teach them to lower their gaze. Normalize it.
  • Teach your brother, husband, son (father too) to respect other’s consent
  • Mothers, while raising a strong man don’t forget to teach them humanity.
  • Fathers, while teaching your son to be his sister’s protector, don’t forget to tell them they have to respect and protect every other woman.
  • If the abuser is a closed one, report it!!!! An abuser cares for no relation. By hiding one case, you encourage him to go wild
  • If it didn’t happen to you, doesn’t mean others are lying. Support the victim.

Apparently, the world is evolving. Man has evolved from an animal to a civilized human but is it actually true? I see a cycle. A cycle that has taken the man back to the animal phase. Raise your voice in this world of animals before this rule of the jungle makes an attempt at you!

#hangtherapist

My Normal is My Normal

After spending more than a silver jubilee of my life by trying to fit into the pre-defined format of every relationship and standards of living set by God knows who, I have realized something.

Would you like to know what is it?

There are some amazing people around us who are exceptionally praised for their ideal behaviors and are examples for the young-rebellious generation. From where I see, they are all indeed inspirational as per the standards set ages ago but they don’t have their own identity. Somewhere their opinions got mixed up with the myths and customs of society. Somewhere in a struggle to fulfill the requirements of the tag attached to them, they stopped looking for what they truly liked or believed in. The blindness took over gradually and now there is zero tolerance of change.

Change, which is also a synonym of life, is not acceptable by many of us. We don’t accept the differences easily and develop judgments regarding things that do not resonates with us.
◾If a person thinks of a few careers as noble ones then he/she would disregard the rest of the options.

◾If a person prefers a certain type of clothing then people choosing other options are ridiculed by him/her.

◾If a person is vegan then people having meat are looked down upon and vice versa

◾Let’s not goto the example of religion

These are just a handful of examples. Every human is different, hence, something normal for one person is alien to other. Does this mean we should judge or ridicule the ones having different preferences than us in life?
No!

Do we do this?
100 times yes!

Does it cause any harm?
The fear of judgment and always seeking others’ approval damage one’s individuality the most. Many times, the easy path of people-pleasing has been picked and personal preference is stacked somewhere in the backseat of life.

I remember when I started my blog, it was one major step. Not for me or my family but out of the fear of response I might get for using social media with a public account. I already get taunts of wasting engineering degree. The add on was “is this even a thing to do” haww haye, over, attention seeker Bla bla bla.

After a year of “should I continue or not”, I can say that this is MY SPACE. This is the place where people know me for who I am, for my random immature thoughts, for my imperfect personality, and that’s the space that represents me. Do I need to explain myself to anyone?
Absolutely not!!

Do I need to drag myself in doing something more serious and respectable for the sake of other’s validation?
Naaa!!

In between my child’s milestone and my husband’s career growth, should I stop living a life of my choice?
Never!!

Call it side effects of “teaching girls”. I might not be (definitely not) excellent in engineering concepts but I do have the curiosity to learn and explore my life choices. My learning idea might be different from yours but that’s my normal.

The day I realized the idea of my normal is my normal, I gained the confidence to do my things my way. My way of maintaining my individuality and not expecting other’s approval for it.

Do you have your normal preferences?